#101. Tourists Standing in Your Way
Posted in Uncategorized on May 8th, 2008
Some people like tourists. They can give vital economic life to remote communities. I know that I’ve brought considerable amounts of cash (ok, a little cash) and North American affability to many a tourist trap around the globe.
But when tourists take up the whole damn sidewalk… fuck ‘em.
Seriously.
Fuck them right in the face!
Now, I work on Wall Street. The Wall Street. You might have heard of it. Of course you’ve heard of it! That’s why you’re here this morning! I just dragged my overworked, underslept ass out of bed, forced my way onto a packed train, and now this herd of tourists (jet lag means they’ve been up and chipper for hours!) is blocking the way to my coffee source. This is not OK. I mean yes, I have gone to remote tourist attractions… but never ever ever have I gone to a Podunk town and taken a dump in a commuting worker’s cup of coffee. This is what NYC tourists are doing to my morning commute. Daily.
You see, these fancy tall buildings that you are gazing at in awe are actually famous for being centers of business and commerce. “What’s business and commerce?” you ask. Well, there’s no time to get into the details now, but, in simple terms, people work here. Taking a whole minute-and-a-half of my 5-minute-32-second lunch break to walk around you may seem like a friendly way to welcome you to our fair city, but instead, we tend to get a little pissed off. Oh, and the beaming smiles that you flash don’t help. They really just make it easier for us to walk right through your oh-so-pristine shots of homeless people dressed up like the Statue of Liberty. A quick aside - you know those guys live off suckers like you, right? And you realize that the real Statue of Liberty is 300 yards away, right? I mean, the real freakin’ McCoy.
I sometimes think I should start a special tour group for annoyed residents of New York, DC, Paris, Tokyo, London, etc. We would just travel to the great ringroads and bypasses of small cities around the industrialized world and eat picnic lunches in the middle of them, blocking all traffic.
Oddly enough, I’m actually writing this post to throw a bone to the French.
That’s not to mention their practically non-existent school system: most children receive schooling from socializing at monthly going-away parties culminating in the extension of their pre-pubescence lifestyle to upwards of the age of 33! Now, while it can be argued that education isn’t necessarily pertinent to their mostly agricultural lifestyle, the lack of formal study has been proven to hinder their evolutionary progress, leaving them to tend to their “hobbit-holes” rather than pursue a much preferable brick and/or concrete house that may add comfort and style to their livelihoods as well as weather intemperate storms. Nevertheless, while some of the younger generation argue for better living standards and finer accoutrements, members of the older generation attempt to suppress advances through the excessive use of pipe tobacco and alcohol, spiraling them into further ignorance.
Also known as ‘Steattorrhea,” “anal fissures” or “loose stools.” But it doesn’t matter what you call it – no amount of euphemistic tap-dancing can change the fact that this conjures some of the most horrifyingly vile mental images in the mind of man. I don’t even wish to continue, for fear of putting off the 2% of readers who have stayed with me just this far, but what can I say – I’m pretending that I’m a professional.