#113. Layoffs
Oct 16th, 2008 by Chaz
The subject line reads “Mandatory Staff Meeting to Discuss Upcoming Reduction In Force.”
Upcoming reduction in force. RIF. The only phrase in the English language that strikes the same kind of fear is “we gotta talk.”
Its the same thing really. After a few short words about how you’re a great worker (you’re such a great guy!), you get the “because of economic reasons we have to let you go” (its not you, its me) message as they kick your sorry ass to the curb and tell you to call if you need any kind of reference (let’s stay friends). If you’re lucky, you get some kind of nice severance (break up sex?) and get ready to enter the job (meat) market again more experienced (bitter) than before. The next day you’re looking at monster.com (match.com) or calling a temp agency (”casual encounters”) to try to find something, or calling friends and attempting to network (blind dates?).
If you’re lucky you’ll find yourself on an interview (date) where you’re trying to impress the person on the other side of the table, and spin your weaknesses (not good in bed, horrible fashion sense) into strengths (likes to cuddle, “avant-garde”). Then if you’re really lucky, you might get an offer (come up for a cup of coffee?). You now have to ask yourself how financially stable (desperate) you are and if you’re willing to accept the first offer that you get (you think s/he is of the opposite sex) or try to hold out for something better (less hairy).
Of course, once you accept the offer, you’re thrown into that 30-to-90 day honeymoon period where your new job/relationship is great. Incidentally, this is the same amount of time that you or your employer usually has to terminate your employment “without due cause” in the likely hood that you just “don’t work out”.
Then you’re back to perusing theemployment section (Personals) in USA Today again.
Fuck lay offs.