Hi there, Mr. Mouse.  I hate to break it to you, but you’ve been kind of a crappy roommate.  You eat my stuff, you leave a mess, and you don’t pay the rent.  That is just rude.  Look, I was planning on eating that chocolate.  But no, you had to chew through not one, but two plastic bags, (not to mention the candy wrapper) to get to it first.  It doesn’t matter that you only ate a piece of it; I really don’t want the rest now.  I’m sorry that you’re offended by the traps I’ve left out, but really, what choice did you leave me?  When you show up chewing on papers by my desk, in my bedroom, in the middle of the night, that’s just not cool.

Oh, and roaches?  I haven’t had to live with you for a while now, but I remember our time together.  I remember you interrupting my quiet evenings by showing up unannounced in my kitchen, your little exoskeletons wagging around, checking out my sink.  Seriously ruined my night, dudes.  I had to go and bleach everything in site, not to mention buy an industrial can of roach poison and a bunch of large roach traps just to deal with you.  The least you could do would be a bit of cleaning, or to break into a song-and-dance routine like the merry roaches in Joe’s Apartment.

Look, guys, I chose to live alone for a reason.  I don’t want to share my stuff with anyone, let alone someone who spreads disease and doesn’t contribute anything meaningful to the apartment.  And now every time I hear a noise, I think it’s you, that you’re back again, and I freak out.  I mean, I appreciate that you still run away when the light goes on.  It makes me feel important (and we all know the real trouble starts when the pests stop being scared of the light – then they just stare at you, all, ‘you want a piece of me!?’).  But I’d like the place to myself again.  So, what do I have to do to get you to move out?  I gave you an eviction notice – did you not notice the traps, the poison, the clean surfaces free from food or debris?  And yet you’re still here.  WHY???  I don’t understand!  God, I hate dealing with pest problems.

At least I don’t have fire ants, I suppose.

Tags: annoyances, cockroaches, disease, mice, pests, poison, roommates